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Frank held Sarah’s hand as they walked through the parking lot. Sarah was humming to herself as they walked. Frank looked down at her and asked “what is that your humming?” Sarah shrugged, but didn’t stop humming. Frank knew it was a song from Sunday school, but he couldn’t remember the title. “Do you know the words?” Frank asked. Sarah stopped humming long enough to say “No” then she continued. As they reached the car Frank reached into his pocket with his free hand and unlocked the doors with the remote on his key ring, then he opened the back door and held it for Sarah as she climbed into her seat. “Do you want me to buckle you in?” Frank asked “No, I can do it.” Sarah said as she started squirming and lifting herself up trying to get the buckles from under her so she could fasten them together. Frank watched as she clicked the buckles into place. When she was finished he pushed the door partially closed so she could reach the handle to pull it the rest of the way. Then Frank went around to the driver’s side, got in, started the motor, put it in drive, and pulled out to take his place in the line of cars waiting to leave the parking lot.

Once they were on the road Sarah became distracted by the world passing outside her window and stopped humming. Frank turned on the radio. He changed the station from country to 80’s, then 90’s, then classic rock, then talk, not settling on any of them. After going through all his preset stations he switched it off. In the silence he thought back to that morning’s sermon. Something the pastor said stuck in his mind. He said that we would all get new bodies in heaven. New bodies. What did that mean? Did Susan have a new body? Was she waiting for him? “This is stupid” he thought “Religion is just a way for people to feel good about themselves. It doesn’t mean anything.”…but still he wondered. He wondered what it would be like to see Susan again. He wondered if she would look any different. In his mind he could see her wearing a white hospital gown, her hair cascading over her shoulders, her skin luminescent. She smiles at him and opens her arms to embrace him. Frank walks to her, his hands sliding low around her waist to the small of her back. He pulls her tight, her head tilting up slightly to look at him. He moves in close, his lips almost touching hers, then stops. He waits. Susan smiles slightly as she closes the distance and presses her lips to his.

“Do you think we will see Mommy again?” Frank blinked and shifted his weight in the front seat before replying. “Uh, what do you mean honey?” Frank asked. “You know, in heaven. Do you think we will see Mommy again in heaven?” Frank didn’t know how to answer Sarah. He knew that Sarah wanted to believe she would see Susan again, just as he did, but he didn’t really know if she ever would. He thought about saying yes, just to make her feel better, but as usual he felt it would be wrong to lie to her. “I don’t know honey. Why do you ask?” Sarah said, “”Mrs. Pamela says I will now that I have accepted Jesus into my heart.” Frank looked at Sarah in the rear view mirror and asked, “When did you do that?” Sarah, who was looking back at him in the mirror, said, “This morning. Mrs. Pamela says that if you accept Jesus into your heart you will go to heaven and that is where Mommy is.” Frank returned his eyes to the road and thought about what it meant to ask Jesus into your heart. He wasn’t sure how you would do that. Did one just say, “Hey Jesus, why don’t you come into my heart?” or maybe you said, “Hey Jesus, if your not busy later why don’t you drop on by my heart.” Frank snorted through his nose and thought how silly it all sounded. Sarah continued, “Did you accept Jesus into your heart Daddy?” Frank wasn’t surprised by the question, he knew Sarah was working her way around to asking. What did surprise him was how the question seemed to hit his mind like a lightning bolt. Why should such a simple question cause such a reaction? He thought about how to answer. He was worried that if he told Sarah the truth that she might be upset, and he didn’t want to upset her over something so trivial. On the other hand he couldn’t bear to lie to his little girl. Again he decided on the truth. Frank said, “No honey, I haven’t.” Frank waited with apprehension for her reply. He shouldn’t have been concerned. Sarah had grown up quickly in the past year and small things that used to upset her didn’t even phase her anymore. Sarah’s answer was matter of fact, “You should, then you can see Mommy again and we can be a family.” Frank smiled at the frankness of his little girl. Then to change the subject he said, “Hey, do you want to play 20 questions?” Sarah’s eyes brightened. “Yeah!” “Okay, do you want to guess or do you want me to?” Sarah always wanted to guess, and today was no different. The game lasted all the way home.

After lunch Frank watched football while Sarah curled up at the far end of the couch and took a nap. The game had just came back from half time, and Frank tried to get back into it, but he couldn’t concentrate. The same thought kept pulling at the corner of his mind. New bodies. He turned off the TV and sat in the living room listening to Sarah’s breathing. He thought about what Pastor John had said about new bodies in heaven. He thought about Sarah telling him he should accept Jesus into his heart so he could see Susan again. He wondered if there really was something to this whole church thing.

Frank stood up, went over to the kitchen counter, and found the pamphlet Sarah brought home from Sunday school. He flipped through it to see if it told you how to ask Jesus into your heart. Most of pamphlets had pictures for the kids to color. He remembered seeing these pamphlets from the past couple of months. One week it had a man being swallowed by a fish, in another it had a man with a white beard leading animals out from a huge boat. This week it was a man in a colorful robe being hugged by an older man in a brown robe.

Frank sighed and tossed the pamphlet back on the counter. He walked over to the sink and looked out the window at the the back yard which was slowly filling with leaves. The thought of raking the yard chilled his soul. He even shuddered a little when he thought about it. Images of Susan lying sprawled on the ground, the ladder lying on top of her, crushed his heart. He continued to stare. Even though the images were painful it was better than not seeing Susan at all. New bodies. There it was again. That thought that Susan might be healthy and whole…somewhere. He began wondering again what her new body would be like. Would she be young like she was when he met her? He took a deep breath, let it out slowly, and listened to Sarah breathing on the couch. “How do you invite someone into your heart?” he thought.

The End

- Sean

Tags: Essays //