SeanDareOnline.com

…Or, Why I Might Not Get An iPhone This Weekend

ATT and Apple, at least initially, are only selling the new iPhone 3G in their retail stores.  I have only heard one reason as to why.  ATT wants to make sure you activate your new iPhone before you leave so they can lock you into a two year contract.  I am not opposed to signing up for a two year stint with ATT to get an iPhone.  I also understand that ATT wants to reduce the number of iPhones that are unlocked and used on another carriers.  ATT is in business to make money after all.  What sticks in my craw is that you can’t buy one online!

Just like the original iPhone I am sure ATT and Apple will make the iPhone 3G available online eventually, but in the mean time if you want one of the new iPhones you have to purchase one at a physical store.  Doesn’t that bother anyone else?  The revolutionary internet device, the one that allows you to have the Internet in your pocket, isn’t available on the Internet!  Disgusting.

Why are you getting so upset Sean?  What’s the big deal with buying one in the store?  I have two answers to that.

Answer One - I do all my shopping online

I shop for everything online.  Okay, I don’t shop for groceries or gasoline online, but I would if I could!  Jenn and I buy 95% of our Christmas shopping from online stores, all of our birthday and anniversary shopping is done online, and all of my clothes shopping is done online.  When you shop online you don’t have to deal with lines, crowds, malls, parking lots or Muzak.    Best of all it takes less time to shop online than it does in the store.

Does it really take less time?  Sure!  Here is one example.  In 2003, after spending the past two years purchasing our Christmas presents online, I decided to try out the local mall to see if I could get in on some of the “Christmas Spirit” others say they find there.  After waiting at the stop lights leading up to the mall for half an hour I finally made it into the mall parking lot, where I spent another 45 minutes searching for a decent parking space.  A “decent parking space” means finding one that isn’t a mile away from the mall entrance.  After getting cut off, flipped off and cursed at by numerous mall patrons before I even got out of my car I decided that the Christmas Spirit wasn’t to be found at the mall.  I went home and in less than two hours I finished my Christmas shopping on Amazon while listening to a Bing Crosby CD.  If Bing can’t put you in the Christmas Spirit then nobody can.  BTW, for those of you keeping score at home, it took me almost as long to park at the mall as it took me to finish shopping at Amazon!

What’s that you say?  You’ll bet I go to the store more than I think.  You want to know how much I really buy online?  Truthfully, about 90% of all our purchases are made online.  I would like to push that percentage higher, but I have to wait until they can figure out how to email gasoline.

Answer Two - Sales Monkeys

Suppose you worked your entire career as a purchaser for a large furniture retailer.  During your tenure with them you visited manufacturers all over the globe.  While there you attended seminars about build quality and improved manufacturing techniques.  Now that you are retired you have your own wood working shop in your garage where you build select pieces of furniture for friends and family.  In short you know everything there is to know about the furniture business.

Now, lets assume that you are in the market for a new sofa.  You begin your search by going to boutique furniture retailers that sell high quality merchandise.  After months of searching for just the right sofa to match your decor you find the perfect one in a small bistro shop downtown.  Seeing as how you live in the country, you are retired after all, and you don’t want to damage your new purchase by taking it home in the the truck you use to haul the lumber you use to build furniture, you decide to pay the extra money to have the sofa delivered by their “professional” staff.

Delivery day arrives and you are like a kid on Christmas morning.  You can’t wait to put your new sofa in the sitting room.  You have been dreaming about your new sofa for a week.  In your minds eye you can picture yourself relaxing on it for an afternoon nap, or maybe reading your favorite book on a cold winter day.  You are in love with this sofa and it hasn’t even been delivered yet.

The doorbell rings.  At last!  You open the door wide to find two sweaty men in greasy overalls standing outside your door, Your sofa behind them sitting on the grass.  They ask the preliminary questions, are you the person on the delivery ticket, where do you want it set up, etc.  You answer them swiftly as you glance apprehensively at the sofa in the yard.  Shouldn’t it be wrapped in plastic?  Why didn’t they leave it on the truck while they came to the door?

They verify they are in the right place and go to work moving your sofa into your house.  One of the delivery men has lifted the sofa high enough that it covers his face, and instead of turning his head he is breathing directly into the fabric of your new sofa.  You catch whiff of cigarette smoke as he passes by.  The second delivery man is even more offensive.  Sweat is dripping off his forehead and chin onto the cushions as he twists and angles the sofa in through the doorway.  They are careful not to damage the walls or other furniture in the room, but the thought of their breath and sweat in your new sofa sends chills up your spine.

After setting the sofa in it’s rightful place they turn to you for the obligatory signature on the bill of lading.  You comply, signing quickly in an effort to get them out of your house as soon as possible.  As you sign the last letter of your last name the sweaty one decides to SIT DOWN ON YOUR NEW SOFA!!!!! What the…!  “Get off my sofa!” you yell.  With his actions frozen in surprise he stares at you.  Then, as if he couldn’t have hear you correctly he says, “what?”, as if it is normal to have a sweaty delivery guy sitting on your new furniture every day.  “Get out!  Both of you get out!” you yell with your finger pointing to the still open doorway.

After they leave you are left alone with your new sofa.  You walk around the room and peer at it from different angles, hoping to get some of the magic you felt back, but it is too late.  The delivery men have stolen your dream sofa and have left you a sweat soaked ashtray instead.  For weeks you grouse about how inconsiderate and foolish the delivery men were.  Only after getting the new sofa professionally cleaned are you able to sit on it, but even then the thought of those delivery men on your sofa pops in your head every time you do.

For a techno geek like myself the overpaid sales monkeys at cell phone stores are like the delivery men.  Before you leave, but after you have signed the contract, they want to pull your new phone out of it’s box.  Then they peel off it’s protective plastic cover and throw it away! Then they put the SIM card and battery in it and start telling you about it’s features.  “Here is how you power it on…”  Yeah lady, I know how to power it on.  I have been studying this piece of equipment for months.  I know it inside and out.  If it were in my hands it would be singing an aria right now, but as it stands I have to wait for you to soil it before I can even touch it!

“DON’T TOUCH MY PHONE!”

I want to scream that every time I have purchased a phone from a physical store.  The same thing applies to laptops, computers, televisions, monitors, credit card machines, wireless mice and USB drives.  I want to experience the act of bringing this pristine work of electronic art to the light of day.  I want to smell the plastic and cardboard that fill the room as you pull your new gadget out of it’s box.  I want the first fingerprints on it to be mine.  I want to see how they wrapped it in plastic and admire the engineering of the cardboard packaging.  I want to see how it reacts to putting the battery in for the first time.  I want to see what kind of power up screens I get the first time it is turned on.  I demand the right to be the first one to touch it, and I deserve it considering I am willing to pay for a new piece of equipment.

ATT’s decision to sell the new iPhone in store only means that some sales monkey is going to get their greasy hands on my new prized possession before I will.  That is unacceptable.  Considering every other phone in ATT’s inventory can be sold and activated online means there must be another reason they are holding the iPhone hostage at their store locations.  What that is I cannot fathom!

To top it all off Apple is going right along with them by only offering to sell the iPhone in their stores.  Although the sales monkeys at Apple are better trained, and a more intelligent, I will bet that they will still want to open, and touch, my new phone before letting me out of the store.

All I ask is that ATT and Apple make the new iPhone 3G available online just like any other phone ATT sells.  I will sign the two year contract, I will agree to the early termination penalties, I just don’t want anyone sweating on my phone before I do.  Is that too much to ask?

- Sean